


Incorrect Caffrey Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [10]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe - That '70s Show Fusion, Gen, M/M, Movie Fusion - Ferris Bueller's Day Off, TV Fusion - Zombieland, stealing cars
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:48:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22218823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: A shy student [Neal] trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting tough guy [Peter] trying to find the last Twinkie, and a pair of siblings [Mozzie and El Haversham] trying to get to an amusement park join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.Chapter 2: Peter Burke is a typical high school student growing up in Wisconsin in 1976 with his family and his friends - good-looking dimwit Mozzie and his conceited girlfriend El; conspiracy theorist Jones; hormone-heavy foreign exchange student Diana; and Peter's intelligent best friend and next-door neighbor Neal Caffrey. Together, they have the same kind of joys and sorrows that just about every teenager has while growing up.Chapter 3: High school student Neal Caffrey wants a day off from school and he's developed an incredibly sophisticated plan to pull it off. He talks his best friend Peter into taking his father's prized Ferrari and with his close friend Kate, head into Chicago for the day. While they are taking in what the city has to offer school principal Vincent Adler is convinced that Neal is, not for the first time, playing hooky for the day and is hell-bent to catch him out. Neal has anticipated that, much to Adler's chagrin.
Relationships: Elizabeth Burke & Peter Burke, Elizabeth Burke & Peter Burke & Neal Caffrey & Mozzie, Kate Moreau & Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke & Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke/Neal Caffrey
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805
Kudos: 4





	1. Source: Zombieland

  
Neal:  
[voiceover] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead is really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
[to Peter] You are like a giant cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab!

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
Look at this fucking clown.

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
My momma always told me someday you'll be good at somethin'. Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
Do you know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? Los submarinos.

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
There is a box of Twinkies in there. And not just any Twinkies, but the last box of Twinkies in the whole universe. And believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and pretty soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is going to go...empty.

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

**==============================**

  
Bill Murray:  
[about Neal, after seeing him kiss Peter] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit fuck.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
You know, Peter and Neal are, both uh...east.  
Peter:  
So?  
Neal:  
So, Peter, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?  
Peter:  
Here's the deal, Neal. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.  
Neal:  
Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.  
Peter:  
You're a pappy little spit fuck, aren't you?  
Neal:  
You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.  
Peter:  
I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerve.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?  
Peter:  
Back east, yeah?  
Neal:  
Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?  
Peter:  
Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.  
Neal:  
There are no penguins on the North Pole.  
Peter:  
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well, get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.  
Peter:  
Whoa.  
Neal:  
I know.

**==============================**

  
Neal:  
[about Peter] Don't worry. He grows on you.  
Mozzie:  
Really?  
Neal:  
No, it gets worse.

**==============================**

  
Peter:  
Bill Murray, you're a zombie?  
[Mozzie hits Bill in his back with a golf club]  
Bill Murray:  
[cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!  
Peter:  
You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay?  
Bill Murray:  
The hell I am.  
Mozzie:  
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was... It was "you" you.  
Peter:  
Are you...? What's with the get-up?  
Bill Murray:  
Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.

**==============================**

  
Survival rule #21:  
Avoid strip clubs.

  
Survival rule #28:  
Get a kickass partner.

  
Survival rule#4:  
Don't be a hero.

  
Survival rule #1:  
Cardio.

**==============================**

[The group plays Monopoly]  
Mozzie:  
Ooo, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.  
Neal:  
You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?  
Peter:  
The best part is no more flushing. Epic.

**==============================**

  
Bill Murray:  
[after Neal shoots him] Is that how you say hello where you come from?  
Neal:  
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.  
Peter:  
Mr. Murray?  
Bill Murray:  
I'm just Bill, I think, now.  
Peter:  
Bill?  
Bill Murray:  
Yeah?  
Peter:  
[pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.  
Bill Murray:  
Ah. That's still tender.  
Peter:  
You think you might pull through?  
Bill Murray:  
No.  
Neal:  
If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.  
Bill Murray:  
It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.  
El:  
So do you have any regrets?  
Bill Murray:  
Garfield, maybe.

**==============================**

  
Peter: You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute.  
Neal:  
You think so?  
Peter:  
Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.  
Neal: Really?  
Peter:  
Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.


	2. Source: That '70s Show

**_That '70s Pilot_ ** **[1.1]**

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

 **[El](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Burkhart)** : Theo, who is this girl?

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : Oh, that's Diana. She’s the foreign exchange student.

 **El** : What did we exchange for her?

 **[Mrs. Burke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Forman)** : A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

 **Jones** : So is your dad still thinking about giving you the car, maybe?

 **Mozzie** : Even if we do get it, we're gonna need some serious gas money. 'Cause the Cruiser's a boat.

 **Peter** : I know it's a boat. This whole gas shortage bites.

 **Diana** : Who's getting a boat?

 **Jones** : There is no gas shortage, man, it's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like there's this guy who invented this car...that runs on water, man. It's got fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water!

 **Diana** : So it _is_ a boat.

 **Jones** : No, it's a car. Only you put water in the gas tank instead of gas. _[chuckles]_ And it runs on water, man!

 **Mozzie** : _[laughing]_ I never heard of this car! Hey, El's good for gas money.

 **Peter** : You are such a whore.

 **Diana** : When does the boat get here, whore?

================================================

 **_Peter's Birthday_ ** **[1.2]**

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : _[seeing Lauren]_ Holy Mother!

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : Hello Lauren.

 **[Lauren](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurie_Forman)** : Hello Mozzie, Jones.

 **Diana** : Who is the goddess?

 **Mozzie** : The goddess is Peter's sister.

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

================================================

 **[Red](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Forman)** : So, how's your friend Christie?

 **Lauren** : Pregnant.

 **[Mrs. Burke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Forman)** : Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

 **Mr. Burke** : Peter, for God's sake, that's no language for a woman to hear!

 **Lauren** : It's okay Dad, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

================================================

 **_Streaking_ ** **[1.3]**

 **[Mr.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Forman) Burke**: Peter, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

 **[Mrs. Burke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Forman)** : Now, now, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

 **Mr. Burke:** Peter, we're waiting!

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

 **Mr. Burke** : Well, that's, that's perfect Peter. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

================================================

_[At the Ford campaign rally, Mr. Burke stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Peter streak]_

**Mr. Burke** : Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you [pardon Nixon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Presidency_of_Gerald_Ford#Nixon_pardon)?

================================================

 **_Battle of the Sexists_ ** **[1.4]**

 **[El](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Burkhart)** : I'm waiting.

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : Just say it and she'll go home.

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Fine. _[pause]_ You know, you're right, El, [the Fonz](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fonzie) could beat up [Bruce Lee](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bruce_Lee). _[winces]_

 **El** : Thank you!

================================================

_[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Mr. Burke and Mrs. Burke walk by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]_

**Peter** : Hey Mozzie, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : Like who?

 **Peter** : What about Barbara Vanson?

 **Mozzie** : Nah, she's just as annoying as El.

 **Jones** : Yeah, but her boobs are huge.

 **Mozzie** : So?

 **Jones** : _[opens up Playboy]_ Do you find _that_ annoying?

 **Mozzie** : _[laughs]_ ...Kate Moreau! Now she's got some knockers, baby!

 **Jones** : True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

 **Mozzie** : Yeah they are.

 **Peter** : You're dreaming. It's like comparing... _[Mr. Burke walks in]_ Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

 **Mr. Burke** : Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vice-grips. _[the guys wait until he leaves]_

 **Mozzie** : Have you seen Kate in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tee Tons. In a tube top!

 **Jones** : Look, the issue isn't, "Are Kate’s big?" Right. The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... _[Mrs. Burke walks in]_ the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.

 **Mrs. Burke** : Hi. Peter, did your father come down here?

 **Peter** : Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.

 **Mrs. Burke** : Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot.

 **Jones** : Sounds like your dad is losing it.

 **Mozzie** : Geez, if your dad’s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy... _[he walks in; loudly]_...with breasts the size of watermelons! _[pauses]_ ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

 **Mr. Burke:** Mozzie, go home.

================================================

 **El** : [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?

 **Diana** : [besides Mozzie on the phone, Diana is on the phone, and he's telling Mozzie what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."

 **Mozzie** : [Diana puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.

 **El** : Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?

 **Diana** : [to Mozzie] "Yes, I do."

 **Mozzie** : [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.

 **El** : You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?

 **Diana** : [to Mozzie] "No, describe it to me."

 **Mozzie** : [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.

 **El** : Theo, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.

 **Diana** : No, I don't know.

 **El** : THEO!

================================================

 **Peter** : What about Mozzie? I mean, El has him _totally_ whipped.

 **Diana** : Whipped like the family pig.

 **Mozzie** : I am _not_ pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

_[The guys start impersonating El]_

**Jones** : Are you kidding? "Theo, call me at 8:00!"

 **Peter** : "Theo, do your [Chico](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chico_Marx) impression!"

 **Diana** : "Theo, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!" _[The guys stare at Diana and say nothing]_ ...Please someone else talk now.

================================================

 ** _Peter's Burger Job_** **[1.5]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=That_%2770s_Show_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=5)]

 **Vincent** : Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?

 **Peter** : I just think it'll be a wonderful experience.

 **Mozzie** : My girlfriend's dad owns it.

 **Diana** : I love their uniforms.

 **Jones** : To unionize the workers, man.

================================================

 **Vincent** : Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Well, I'm a real people person.

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : I don't answer stupid questions.

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : I speak Dutch.

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

================================================

 **Vincent** : Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness.

 **Peter** : I allow people to boss me around.

 **Diana** : I love chocolate.

 **Jones** : I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.

 **Mozzie** : ...Umm _[falls out of chair]_

_================================================_

**Vincent** : Where do you see yourself in five years?

 **Peter** : Fatso Burger.

 **Diana** : Covered in gold chains.

 **Mozzie** : Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

 **Jones** : Prison.

 **Diana** : _[sees Mozzie and El making out]_ Please stop touching each other! It gives me needs.

================================================

_[Diana tries flirting with Neal's sister, Cindy]_

**Diana** : Hello, pretty lady.

 **Cindy** : Hi!

 **Neal** : She's not a pretty lady. She's my sister, and she's fourteen.

 **Diana** : You know, in my country...

 **Jones** : It's illegal here.

================================================

 **_The Keg_ ** **[1.6]**

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : _[quickly]_ Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

 **Mozzie** : True.

 **Jones** : Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

 **Mozzie** : So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.

 **Jones** : Cash.

 **Mozzie** : Which is...

 **Mozzie and Jones** : Decent!

================================================

 **_That Disco Episode_ ** **[1.7]**

_[Neal and Peter talk about the gang's disco date]_

**[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Neal, I hate dancing.

 **[Neal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donna_Pinciotti)** : Why did you go?

 **Peter** : I like you.

 **Neal** : So... you're in _like_ with me?

================================================

 **Mozzie** : I went to the mall today...and I bought a pair of new shoes...and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

 **Peter** : So, no more for Mozzie. He's toasted!

 **Diana** : I would like some toast if you're making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

 **Jones** : Oh! I read somewhere that there are these people in India who _fast_ , man! Yeah. _[laughs]_ And their minds are so advanced, they can think themselves to death, man!

 **Mozzie** : Well...I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

 **Peter** : Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here! But then later, I can't remember _any_ of them! I mean, they're brilliant, man!

 **Diana** : ...Someone go make toast _right now_.

 **Jones** : Hey, we should record our conversation, man. Yeah! Then we can play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

 **Mozzie** : _[laughs]_ Yeah, well...I read somewhere that there are these people in France!

 **Jones** : What do they do?

 **Mozzie** : You see, they're incredibly...French!

 **Peter** : See, that's brilliant, man! I'm gettin' the tape recorder! _[gets up and leaves]_

 **Diana** : Where's my toast, you idiots?!

================================================

 ** _Drive-In_** **[1.8]** [[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=That_%2770s_Show_\(season_1\)&action=edit&section=8)]

 **Mozzie** : Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.

 **Jones** : _[sarcastically]_ Really? Faster than that?

 **Mozzie** : Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno horror movie.

 **Peter** : Oh, yeah. Well, then there'd be no stopping you!

================================================

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : _[coughs]_ It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

 **Diana** : When you play the record backward, you can hear the devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere! _[whimpers]_

 **Jones** : _[demonically]_ Satan is your master, Diana! Worship Satan!

 **Diana** : _[whimpers again]_

 **Jones** : But before you worship Satan, get him a cherry pop. Get Satan a cherry pop! Get Satan a cherry pop! _[normal]_ Get a pop, man. Get me a pop! Diana, man, get me a pop!

 **Diana** : Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood.

 **Jones** : SATAN'S SECOND CHOICE IS ROOT BEER!

 **[El](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Burkhart)** : I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

================================================

 **_Thanksgiving_ ** **[1.9]**

_[Neal leaves after finding out that Peter kissed Lauren's friend, Kate]_

**[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : Hey Neal, you wanna talk?

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : I guess she didn't take it well.

Mr. Burke: Take what well? _[looks at Mozzie]_

 **Mozzie** : _[smiles]_ Peter made out with Kate.

 **Mr. Burke:** Anything else?

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : Your son is a whore.

================================================

_[Mr. Burke is upset at Peter over kissing Kate]_

**Mr. Burke:** Neal's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to him?

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me like I have bad luck or something.

 **Mr. Burke:** _[slowly]_ Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it.

================================================

 **_Sunday, Bloody Sunday_ ** **[1.10]**

 **[Neal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donna_Pinciotti)** : _[to El and Mozzie]_ Finally! Where have you guys been?

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Your shirt's on inside-out.

 **Mozzie** : Yeah, that's the stuff.

 **[Jones](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Hyde)** : The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

================================================

 **_Peter's Buddy_ ** **[1.11]**

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : I miss Peter.

 **[El](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Burkhart)** : Well, you still have me.

 **Mozzie** : It's not the same, El! I can talk to Peter about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

 **El** : OK, well like what?

 **Mozzie** : Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

 **El** : THEO!

 **Mozzie** : See, I can't talk to you.

================================================

 **Hughes** : Number 10, your order is ready.

 **[Mozzie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Kelso)** : Yeah, I'll be right there.

 **Hughes** : Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

 **Mozzie** : Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food, Hughes! We are paying customers, you know!

 **Hughes** : Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

 **Mozzie** : You have both your legs Hughes...

 **Hughes** : Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

================================================

 **Hughes** : _[to Jones]_ Hey, you. Buy something or get out. I've got a big wedding coming in.

 **Jones** : Hughes, you don't have a big wedding coming in.

 **Hughes** : Oh, did I say wedding? Because I meant to say, "Buy something, or get out!"

================================================

 **_The Best Christmas Ever_ ** **[1.12]**

 **[Peter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Forman)** : Ah, come on, Jones, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

 **[Mrs. Burke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Forman)** : So, Lauren, who are you seeing up at the college?

 **[Lauren](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurie_Forman)** : Oh, I like to date around.

 **Peter** : _[coughs]_ Slut!

 **Mrs. Burke** : Bless you.

 **Peter** : Thanks, Mom.

================================================

 **_Ski Trip_ ** **[1.13]**

_[Mozzie hitches a ride on a truck.]_

**Ghovat** : Well, hello there!

 **Mozzie** : Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

 **Ghovat** : Oh, I’m going... wherever you’re going!

 **Mozzie** : Wow, that’s lucky!

 **Ghovat** : So, did it hurt?

 **Mozzie** : What?

 **Ghovat** : When you fell down from heaven!

 **Mozzie** : No, I’m fine!

================================================

 **[Diana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fez_\(That_%2770s_Show\))** : I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! _[passes out]_


	3. Source: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

**Economics Teacher** : _[takes attendance]_ Caffrey? Caffrey? Caffrey? Caffrey?

 **Mozzie** : Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Neal pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.

 **Teacher** : Thank you, Mozzie.

 **Mozzie** : No problem whatsoever.

 **Teacher** : _[continues with attendance]_ Haversham? Haversham? Haversham?

**=================================================**

**Mr. Adler:** _[on the phone with Alex, pretending to be Neal's mother]_ Are you also aware, Mrs. Caffrey, that Neal does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?

 **Alex:** I don't understand.

 **Mr. Adler:** He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Neal is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Neal thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is **_sorely_** mistaken. I have no reservation whatsoever about holding him back another year. _[snickers]_

 **Alex:** This is all news to me.

 **Mr. Adler:** It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.

 **Alex:** Nine times?

 **Mr. Adler:** Nine times.

 **Alex:** I don't remember him being sick nine times.

 **Mr. Adler:** That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Caffrey. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.

 **Alex:** I can't believe it.

 **Mr. Adler:** I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days.

_[his computer screen begins counting down from nine to two; Neal is at home looking at the same screen on his computer]_

**Neal:** _[to the home audience]_ I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?

**=================================================**

**Mr. Adler:** I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him.

 **Sara:** Well, with your bad knee, Vincent, you shouldn't throw anybody. _[Vincent looks at Sara]_ It's true.

 **Mr. Adler:** What is so dangerous about a character like Neal Caffrey is he gives good kids bad ideas.

 **Sara:** Uh-huh.

 **Mr. Adler:** Last thing I need at this point in my career is 1,500 Neal Caffrey disciples running around these halls. He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.

 **Sara:** Well, he makes you look like an ass, is what he does, Vincent.

 **Mr. Adler:** Thank you, Sara. I think you're wrong.

 **Sara:** Oh, well, he's very popular, Vincent. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads — They all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

 **Mr. Adler:** That is why I have got to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first-class ticket to nowhere.

 **Sara:** Oh, Vincent, you sounded like [Dirty Harry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Harry) just then.

 **Mr. Adler:** Really?

 **Sara:** Uh-huh.

 **Mr. Adler:** _[smiles]_ Thanks, Sara.

**=================================================**

**Sara:** _[picks up ringing phone]_ Vincent Adler's office.

 **Peter:** _[disguising his voice]_ This is Clinton Jones.

 **Sara:** Oh! Uh, please hold. _[to Mr. Adler]_ What do ya know? It's Mr. Jones. You still want his daytime number? _[realizing]_ Oh.

**=================================================**

**Mr. Adler:** _[on the phone]_ Vincent Adler.

 **Peter:** Vincent. This is Clinton Jones.

 **Mr. Adler:** How are you today, sir?

 **Peter:** Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.

 **Mr. Adler:** Yeah, I heard, and, ooh, I'm all broken up. Boy, what a blow.

 **Peter:** Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning, and, uh, we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Kate, I'd appreciate it.

 **Mr. Adler:** Uh, sure. Y'know, I'd be happy to. Yeah. You, uh, you-you just produce a corpse, and, uh, I'll release Kate. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.

 **Sara:** _[suspiciously]_ Vincent?

 **Mr. Adler:** _[covering the phone; thinking he's talking to Neal Caffrey]_ It's alright, Sara, it's Neal Caffrey, the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap, and let him fall right in it.

 **Sara:** Ooh!

 **Peter:** Uh, uh, Vincent, I-I'm sorry, did-- Did you say you wanted to see a body?

 **Mr. Adler:** Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know, that's school policy.

 **Peter:** Oh?

 **Mr. Adler:** Uh, was this your mother?

 **Peter:** Uh, n-no, my wife's mother.

 **Sara:** _[picks up ringing phone]_ Vincent Adler's office.

 **Neal:** Hi, this is Neal Caffrey. Can I speak to Mr. Adler, please? Thank you.

 **Sara:** _[caught off-guard]_ Uh... hold.

 **Mr. Adler:** Tell ya what, dipshit. You don't like my policies, you can come on down here and smooch my big ol' white butt.

 **Sara:** _[loud whisper]_ _Vince!_

 **Mr. Adler:** Pucker up, Buttercup. _[to Sara; quietly]_ What?

 **Sara:** Neal Caffrey's on line two.

**=================================================**

_[Neal and Peter enter the garage, where Peter shows Neal his father's prized possession]_

**Peter:** The 1nine61 Ferrari two50GT California. Less than 100 were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love. It is his passion.

 **Neal:** _[eyes the car hungrily]_ It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.

 **Peter:** Neal, what are you talkin' about?

_[Neal leans on the car]_

**Neal:** Ooh!

 **Peter:** Neal, my father loves this car more than life itself.

 **Neal:** A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.

_[Neal walks around the car]_

**Peter:** No. No. Apparently, you don't understand.

 **Neal:** Wow.

 **Peter:** Neal, he never drives it. He just rubs it with a diaper. _[runs his finger across the car]_ Hey. Remember how insane he went when I broke my retainer? Huh? Come on, that was a little piece of plastic. This is a Ferrari.

 **Neal:** _Qué bella._ _[kisses his fingers]_ Peter, I'm sorry, but we can't pick up Kate in your car. Mr. Adler would never believe Mr. Jones drives that piece of shit.

 **Peter:** _[under his breath]_ It's not a piece of shit.

 **Neal:** It _is_ a piece of shit. Don't worry about it. I don't even _have_ a piece of shit; I have to envy yours.

 **Peter:** _[sarcastically]_ Oh, thanks.

 **Neal:** _[desperately]_ Look, I'm sorry. There's nothing else we can do. _[Neal slowly gets in the Ferrari, and closes the door]_ Ooh.

 **Peter:** He knows the mileage, Neal.

 **Neal:** He doesn't trust you?

 **Peter:** Never has, never will.

 **Neal:** Look, this is real simple. Whatever miles we put on, we'll take off.

 **Peter:** How?

 **Neal:** We'll drive home backwards.

 **Peter:** _[laughs coldly]_ No. No! _[Neal starts the car]_ Neal, forget it. You're just gonna have to think of something else. I'm putting my foot down. _[Neal smiles as he drives the Ferrari out of the garage]_ How about we rent a nice Cadillac?! My treat! We could call a limo! A nice stretch job with a TV and a bar! How 'bout that?!

 **Neal:** _[drives back to pick up Peter]_ Come on! Live a little!

**=================================================**

**Kate:** What are we gonna do?

 **Neal:** The question isn't "What are we going to do?", the question is "What _aren't_ we going to do?"

 **Peter:** Don't say we're not gonna take the car home. Please don't say we're not gonna take the car home. Please don't say we're not gonna take the car home.

 **Neal** : _[to the home audience]_ If you had access to a car like this, would you take it back right away? _[beat]_ Neither would I.

**=================================================**

**Neal** : _[after inspecting the dashboard of the car]_ Hey, Peter?

 **Peter** : Yeah?

 **Neal** : How many miles did you say this thing had on it when we left?

 **Peter** : 1two6 and halfway between three and 4/10. Why? How many miles are on it now?

_[Neal pulls over; Peter takes a closer look at the mileage on the dashboard: 301.7 miles]_

**Neal** : Here's where Peter goes berserk.

_[Peter screams]_

_ **=================================================** _

**Neal:** 4,000 restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to.

 **Peter:** We're pinched for sure.

 **Neal:** No way, Peter. Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive. _[puts on his beret]_ Let's go.

 **Peter:** Let's surrender.

 **Neal:** Never.


End file.
